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Saturday, February 19, 2011

Why Im Not Married

After reading an article done by Tracy McMillan   I thought I would share the reality of this for me.  This article was not new news to me as a matter of fact I have said this many times to many people as it relates to the rising epidemic of unmarried women, especially black women.  This article raised a lot of painful & partial truths.

Indeed the reality is that you can't change anyone else but yourself so it would be in our best interest to always look inward when there is a chronic issue in our lives instead of placing the blame on exterior issues.

I realized a while back that the reason I wasn't married was because of me.  Not because I was this horrible person and didn't deserve love, but for a few reasons.  The main reason being (and get this ladies) who I ALLOWED in my life.  Often our choices of who we allow in our lives are guided by our insecurities, lack of self esteem and just plain lack of understanding.   But we grow.

I  have over the years grown tremendously in the area of discerning who is and isn't a person I should allow in my personal circle, whether romantic or non romantic.   I still make a few bad choices on occasion because I love to help people and even in that I believe nothing is a mistake but an opportunity to learn.

As for me and why I'm not married the main reason now is because I know God is not done with me yet.  He has and is doing a mighty work in me in many areas.  What God showed me is that the man I asked HIM for would not have wanted me as I was.  Meaning I had to meet the same standard that I required.  Now that is a painful revelation to get... that you don't meet the standard you yourself are setting.

I had to take a look at my life, my behaviors in total, the inconsistency is what was the biggest issue.  I didn't always walk the walk that I talked about..... that has changed.

In Tracy's article, I now find that I fall into category #1 which is the Bitch.  Not full fledged but I know I have it in me.  I tend to give men a really hard time and this is a result of past wounds that God is still working on.  My over all lack of trust in men stems from the molestation I suffered as a child from the age of 4 to 18..... I don't think I realized just to what depth it has affected me.  Even with all my therapy & healing, there is always more to be uncovered.  How could anyone trust a man after that?  But GOD!!!!!! 

I am far from a victim and don't call myself a survivor either.  I am an over comer.... but understanding the root is key in all of this.

The defensiveness, lack of trust, nonchalant attitude I have, often sends a message to men that I don't need them or want them.

Now theoretically I could be married 5 times over based on offers... (not bragging)  but what good does an offer do that you know isn't the right one?  I was married when I was 23 and it didn't last a year because I realized that I had made the wrong choice for the wrong reasons.  I swore I would never do that again.

I have had 5 men in as many years say I was their wife and they wanted to marry me,  however as God had spoken to them and told them I was their wife, apparently God forgot to send me that memo.

There is actually a man now who would marry me tomorrow if I would give in to his desire, however I know he is not for me.  Some men are sent to destroy you by the enemy.... however the man that God sends will be sent to RESTORE you.

This mans offer to take care of me so that I will never have to work again may sound attractive, but believe me I know it will come with a price, especially when done outside of the will of God.

I have not met and married the man I will marry now because God is working on me & him.  God is working on my ability to receive him, as I have a tendency to push away & God is working on his ability to SEE me.  Since a treasure is not easily found because it is hidden... God is working on this mans ability to see the treasure in me because it runs deep not just on the surface.

A lot of us women are exhibiting some pretty masculine energy these days as well I think.  We are so powerful, intelligent, independent and successful that we don't have the quiet nature, soft and loving that men actually look for and desire in a woman.  We are bold, brass, harsh, mean, bitchy..... cuz we have to do it all and do it well.

I asked God to remove all that from me..... That my boldness would be for the Kingdom, but not to rise up against a man, that I would learn to season my words with grace and salt so as not to wound a man's ego and that I would learn Godly submission so that a man can feel he can execute his rightful position as head of household.

I also realize I'm not married because as a woman of God, for a long time my desire to be married superseded my desire to please God and execute my purpose.   What I do believe is that often God will withhold those things that you put before Him.   Sometimes He will let you have it to teach you a lesson, hence so many divorces... but He will also withhold.

So why aren't you married?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Christians Don't Date

I was asked a question recently about dating.  The question was "what does the bible say about dating".  My response to that was NOTHING.  And it's true.  There is no biblical reference to dating or anything like it.  The key to ANY relationship is foundation however and the bible speaks on that plenty.

You see dating is for the world, Christians are supposed to court one another.  I find it interesting that this is not more prominently spoken about in church so that we as Christian singles have a better chance at success when it comes to the issue of purity.  We do better when we know better.

We as Christians are supposed to form COVENANTS. When a man & woman meet in Christ, they are "Brother" & "Sister"..... not incestuous of course, but meaning the relationship should be pure in intention & act until such a time as it's appropriate. We are to build a foundation of love and trust, sharpen one another and the relationship will either evolve into a covenant of marriage or dissolve because there was no compatibility. All this should take place prior to sexual contact.  Basic displays of affection, such as hugging, kissing, holding hands etc.... are essential however to establish a romantic connection and a desire for intimacy but of course in moderation lest you get all hot and bothered and wanna jump into bed.  Been there done that.  I love kissing & have been known to set a man on fire a time or two in my life time. ***wink

What I find interesting is not to many Christians truly subscribe to this process, mind set or lifestyle.  As a matter of fact it's considered to be rigid, stuffy, religious etc.....Heck I can say if you said this to me a few years ago, I would have looked at you crazy to.  Why?  Because it's so contrary to how we do things in the world.....

If I could meet a Christian man that understood this for real, and made a sincere effort in this manner I think I might pass out.  I mean "Christian" men have said to me there is no way they would marry a woman they haven't had sex with.  As a matter of fact, once a man realizes that I have shut down the cookie factory, he walks away so fast you would swear I farted on his best suit. 

There are elements of dating in courtship, such as going out to dinners, movies, other activities.... but the basic concept of courtship is that the point is it will eventually lead to marriage.  There is a serious PURPOSE to the dating and the element of casual sex is not supposed to be a part of courtship.

Hey, even Steve Harvey said in his book a woman should never have sex with a man until he has dated her for at least 90 days which would indicate that he is interested in more then just your goodies. 

In 90 days of sincere courtship.... two people should be able to get to know each other in such a deep fashion that they can easily determine whether or not they could conceive of marriage.  If those two people are healthy spiritually and emotionally and are transparent, with the right chemistry, it should be easy.  If your not compatible, then you can walk away, no harm no foul, and no soul ties from premature sexual contact.

My question is how do you meet the ones who are sincere, healthy, and desirous of a relationship that will lead to marriage as apposed to the the ones who aren't.  It seems to be a hit and miss here in good old LA.  Even some I meet who say they are serious aren't so serious after all.  Now this is not true of all of them... but as for someone I have that chemistry with, no success yet.

What do you think about Christians and dating?

Friday, February 11, 2011

What do you do when you want to have sex?

I was sitting here and I thought I would share one of my more vulnerable moments.  I am human and not superwoman with an icy libido.  I am quite the horn dog to be honest.  I have said it before I love the sausage as much as the next girl.  I just made the decision to abstain for spiritual reasons which I feel truly benefits my emotional health.  Long and short of it, I finally came to a point that I love God more & am no longer willing to compromise my worship.

Giving into the temptation of having sex may have given me a few moments of pleasure in the past but little else.  I often found myself feeling even more alone then if I had just let the moment pass.  Kind of like now, I really would love some love, affection, companionship and yes some great sex.  But I want it all, not just in part. 

So what do you do when you want the sausage?  Well, LOL I came to blog.  I shifted my focus.  It's as easy as a phone call to have the company of a man, so I must be very careful and make an effort not to act impulsively off of my desires.  See this is where we get in trouble.  Instead of casting down that thought, intentionally squashing it, we often feed it, allow it to take hold, then next thing you know your taking the morning after pill.  (extreme but real)

I posted today on my facebook page about being holy hoes....... you know folks who love the Lord but can't seem to keep our sex drives in check and under submission.

How and why does it get that out of control for us, so out of control that you can't seem to say no to sex?   Why does our desire for companionship supersede our desire to please God?  The world looks at us and doesn't see any difference in our behavior and that bothers me.   Does it bother you?  I never really thought about it as much as I do now...... because more and more I see the stronghold it has on the church body and how it hinders us.  I see clearly because I'm clean and not in the sin..... the absence of the sin creates better visibility spiritually. I once was blind but now I see...

See now my moment has passed.  I think I'll go watch my DVR recordings of Dr. Phil.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Letting Go When All The Signs Point To Exit

I was talking to a friend today and the subject came up about letting go of relationships.  Whether romantic or just friendships, do you know how to let go?  Do you pay attention to all the signs that point to the exit?  Or do you hold on refusing to let go like a fat woman holding on to a snicker bar?  I personally have a kung fu crip on my oatmeal raisin cookies ***** don't judge me.

I have found on many occasions I have refused to let go of relationships that needed to end, friendships & romantic ties.  I have been one of those women with the savior complex, you know try to help everyone, never wanna give up on anyone.  To a degree it's a great trait.  I give a million and one chances.  I mean God doesn't give up on u right?.  However He will let us go....... He will release us in the wilderness of our disobedience, until such a time as we come to our senses.  So sometimes we must also let others go into their wilderness & not allow them to drag us with them.

It is that million and one chance that can send you into a dark place, a lonely place, a depressed place, a dead place (just keeping it real).  Yes your inability to let go when needed can indeed cost your life literally.

Ask yourself why you hold on, when all signs point to go.  Ask yourself what the possible consequences can be if you hold on to the relationship.

I know for me it has cost me a lot of time..... time I could have spent doing more productive things then trying to convince someone to love me.  Or time spent wanting the friendship to be more then what it was when you have made it clear I am not important to you as a friend.

Any relationship that does not add to your life in a positive way, is a relationship that needs to end.  Any relationship that devalues you, or causes you to neglect yourself or others without good cause is a bad one.  Any relationship that leaves you emotionally depleted no matter how much you work at it is not a good one.

Many relationships just run a course based on where we are in life, some are meant for a lifetime and some for a season, but there are some relationships we never should have gotten into to begin with.  Some of us ignored the signs, passed go and collected $200 and are now living with our nightmare or suffered significant consequences as a result that damage our self esteem, hinder our spiritual growth and even caused us to abort God given dreams and purpose.

If this speaks to you in any way, don't be afraid to let go of the relationship that is holding you back.  Head towards the exit.  You will find, light, sunshine, fresh air await you for your obedience.

God always rewards obedience.  ;*)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Do you want to make love or just have sex?

It's really quite amazing how God created us to connect with one another & how there truly is someone for everyone on many different levels.

There are different ways that we attract our mates, not just by physical (visual)attributes, but such things as your voice pattern can draw a person to you.  I know this to be true.... as I have had many men that loved my voice.   There is someone for everyone.  I have even met men who I found visually attractive, but couldn't stand their voice pattern..... it just kind of made me cringe.  Interesting isn't it?  Did you know that everyone has a different voice pattern, like finger prints?..... So know that your father in heaven knows your voice when He hears you pray.

Moving on........ body language, eye contact and verbal communication is key to attraction that is long lasting.

Both men and women are big balls of hormones, but one reason that women connect to their partners more sexually is because we release more of a hormone called Oxytocin.  This hormone is the bonding hormone, it's released during nursing and helps mommy bond to baby, and during sex when you have an orgasm.  Men release it as well, and its released even with the touching of skin which is why raw unprotected sex drives us wild.

Ladies if you truly want a man to bond with you, there must be key elements in place for that to happen or he can and does possess the ability to hit it and quit it.

A man that does not ask you intimate questions or have a sincere desire to get to know you is not going to bond with you emotionally during sex.  His brain must connect with you long before his sausage does.   If your voice pattern does not attract him, which would lead him to want to hear you speak & body language do not mirror each other or he does not connect with you on an emotional level,  the chemistry is superficial, purely lustful.

We often allow ourselves to engage in the superficial with the hopes that it will evolve into more, this is asking for trouble.  Inevitably your doomed for failure.

Eye contact, body language, and intimate conversation are recipes for deep bonding.  Remember the one you could talk to for hours, you wanted to spend all your time with?  That's how it's supposed to be........  Ladies if he's not giving you all of him, then you shouldn't be giving him all of you.  And the same goes for the guys.  Guys if a woman isn't asking you lots of questions and I don't be drilling or third degree, just genuine interest about who you are... she is not that interested in you.   Don't settle.

If people are avoiding phone conversations and only texting you, they are avoiding deep conversation and intimacy.......huge red flag.  If there is not a mutual desire to spend time with each other, hang out do things, or it's all one sided..... have enough self esteem to move on.

Figuring out all these things takes some time, not a lot but enough which is why having sex prematurely or just because the SEXUAL chemistry is there is the worst thing you can do.  After all is said and done, you then find out that the person is not even close to what you want in a mate and by then you have connected or bonded in a way that makes it difficult to let go.   I've done this a couple of times...... have you?

Self control is very attractive to me in a man.  If a man wants to take the time to get to know you, he's not going to even push for sex until he does, because a real man knows that making love is better then just screwing any day of the week.  In other words if you wait to have sex instead of just jumping into bed with folks, you will learn there is a huge difference between having sex and making love.  There is no comparing the two.  Once you have enjoyed love, you don't want anything else.  So don't settle, don't give in to the temptation of the flesh just for a momentary release....  hold out for the real deal.

Just my thoughts.  What are yours?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Real Test

I was just considering that for now I've been doing so well because I haven't really met anyone that truly tempted me to any degree I couldn't resist.  I have not met anyone with the schmeckle de resistance (say this with French Accent)  I am super hormonal right now and would love a good shag, but still it's not that serious because I don't have anyone I'm particularly tempted by to that degree, nope not even with offers from sexy chocolatay men who wanna, well you know & send me pictures.  It's enough to get a girl a little hot and bothered so  I asked my BFF if humping a hydrant would be considered FORNTICATION......... she said only if you managed to get off on said hydrant.  ;*)  touche!

The true test will come when I meet someone who I fall madly in love with.  That hasn't happened yet and to be honest I can't wait for it to happen.  When I start dating someone special then this blog will get really interesting.

What I have learned about sin & ones will however  is that we can do as we will and desire to do, since I DESIRE to abstain it has become easier & easier.  Sin actually requires effort you know.  It doesn't just happen.  You actually consider it and have a moment to resist.  The moment you don't resist you then relinquish your will to that thing WILLINGLY.

As a matter of fact the most heinous of sins i.e. murder, adultry, etc.... require the most planning. 

I have myself & known others (yes Christians) to go to great lengths to perpetrate some pretty avoidable sins.

I mean if you make the reservation at the hotel, you have gone above and beyond to ensure your going to make it happen right?

Why do we plan to fail instead of plan to succeed?   The more effort you put into resistance the more results you will see in that area.  The more effort you put into sin, you then will see the fruit of your labor.  What ever you feed will grow & what ever you starve will die.  I said this long ago on my facebook blog & Tyler Perry stole it!!!  He said it on Oprah a few weeks ago.... LOL

Peace, Love, Joy, Blessings.