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Saturday, February 19, 2011

Why Im Not Married

After reading an article done by Tracy McMillan   I thought I would share the reality of this for me.  This article was not new news to me as a matter of fact I have said this many times to many people as it relates to the rising epidemic of unmarried women, especially black women.  This article raised a lot of painful & partial truths.

Indeed the reality is that you can't change anyone else but yourself so it would be in our best interest to always look inward when there is a chronic issue in our lives instead of placing the blame on exterior issues.

I realized a while back that the reason I wasn't married was because of me.  Not because I was this horrible person and didn't deserve love, but for a few reasons.  The main reason being (and get this ladies) who I ALLOWED in my life.  Often our choices of who we allow in our lives are guided by our insecurities, lack of self esteem and just plain lack of understanding.   But we grow.

I  have over the years grown tremendously in the area of discerning who is and isn't a person I should allow in my personal circle, whether romantic or non romantic.   I still make a few bad choices on occasion because I love to help people and even in that I believe nothing is a mistake but an opportunity to learn.

As for me and why I'm not married the main reason now is because I know God is not done with me yet.  He has and is doing a mighty work in me in many areas.  What God showed me is that the man I asked HIM for would not have wanted me as I was.  Meaning I had to meet the same standard that I required.  Now that is a painful revelation to get... that you don't meet the standard you yourself are setting.

I had to take a look at my life, my behaviors in total, the inconsistency is what was the biggest issue.  I didn't always walk the walk that I talked about..... that has changed.

In Tracy's article, I now find that I fall into category #1 which is the Bitch.  Not full fledged but I know I have it in me.  I tend to give men a really hard time and this is a result of past wounds that God is still working on.  My over all lack of trust in men stems from the molestation I suffered as a child from the age of 4 to 18..... I don't think I realized just to what depth it has affected me.  Even with all my therapy & healing, there is always more to be uncovered.  How could anyone trust a man after that?  But GOD!!!!!! 

I am far from a victim and don't call myself a survivor either.  I am an over comer.... but understanding the root is key in all of this.

The defensiveness, lack of trust, nonchalant attitude I have, often sends a message to men that I don't need them or want them.

Now theoretically I could be married 5 times over based on offers... (not bragging)  but what good does an offer do that you know isn't the right one?  I was married when I was 23 and it didn't last a year because I realized that I had made the wrong choice for the wrong reasons.  I swore I would never do that again.

I have had 5 men in as many years say I was their wife and they wanted to marry me,  however as God had spoken to them and told them I was their wife, apparently God forgot to send me that memo.

There is actually a man now who would marry me tomorrow if I would give in to his desire, however I know he is not for me.  Some men are sent to destroy you by the enemy.... however the man that God sends will be sent to RESTORE you.

This mans offer to take care of me so that I will never have to work again may sound attractive, but believe me I know it will come with a price, especially when done outside of the will of God.

I have not met and married the man I will marry now because God is working on me & him.  God is working on my ability to receive him, as I have a tendency to push away & God is working on his ability to SEE me.  Since a treasure is not easily found because it is hidden... God is working on this mans ability to see the treasure in me because it runs deep not just on the surface.

A lot of us women are exhibiting some pretty masculine energy these days as well I think.  We are so powerful, intelligent, independent and successful that we don't have the quiet nature, soft and loving that men actually look for and desire in a woman.  We are bold, brass, harsh, mean, bitchy..... cuz we have to do it all and do it well.

I asked God to remove all that from me..... That my boldness would be for the Kingdom, but not to rise up against a man, that I would learn to season my words with grace and salt so as not to wound a man's ego and that I would learn Godly submission so that a man can feel he can execute his rightful position as head of household.

I also realize I'm not married because as a woman of God, for a long time my desire to be married superseded my desire to please God and execute my purpose.   What I do believe is that often God will withhold those things that you put before Him.   Sometimes He will let you have it to teach you a lesson, hence so many divorces... but He will also withhold.

So why aren't you married?


  1. I am not married for the same reason. Wow I thank you for creating this blog.omgosh I'm just amazed on how our heaenly father allowed me to find you. I know this is the reason I am not exceling the way I should. Its like I... I don't know I can't explain it.

  2. Hi Joyce,

    I'm glad you found this too. I'm glad you were blessed.

  3. I'm not married (again) because in the past I gave too much too soon. I was a chameleon, I took on THEIR identity at the expense of lowering my value! One day I just couldn't do it anymore. I shook myself and remembered what my Heavenly Father has done for me and allowed me to do for myself. I use to be ashamed of my blessings because I listened to people. Now, I'm learning ME through God's eyes. I repented and have started embracing my personal relationship with Him. I want to know my Father! Thank you Lisa...I almost didn't take the time to read it! I would've missed a wonderful blessing!

  4. @ Anonymous (LP)

    I'm glad that you read and received. Learning you through God's eyes.. love that. See how beautiful you are through His eyes?