I say that because if I'm keeping it real if you've been with more than 3-5 men in your sexual career your considered promiscuous. I bet many of you are cringing at that revelation but the first step is admitting it. Now I've been married so of course that doesn't count, but all the other men that were not my husband were out of line, out of order & just plain out of a desire to either satisfy my physical or emotional erg to connect with someone. (the erg we all have)
Now I'm asking you if you have the it factor because it's different when you abstain & are proud of it because you have made a conscious effort to do so, as apposed to the fact that you couldn't get it if your life depended on it. Come on, you know there are some that just don't get a lot of action, so it would be easy to go a long time without it right?
I'm saying all that to say that some are very judgmental of others who have a hard time abstaining from it when the fact is that the only reason you abstain is because you don't have opportunity or are not in a position to be tempted by it. You may have the urges but are far from being able to satisfy them short of paying for it or masturbating (which a lot of us do) ***just sayin
Now I can literally pick up my phone & dial at least 10 numbers if I wanted it & all of them would happily ablige, as a matter of fact have been trying to get it for a while. (note to self delete those numbers). Now this is not just because I'm a woman (men like to say it's easier for women) because there are lots of men out there that don't have a problem getting it either. Now I'm not bragging nor is it something to be proud of I'm just stating facts & trying to make a point somewhere. :*)
Oh that point would be:
Judge not lest you be judge by the same measure. Never say never & don't condemn when it's not your struggle.
I was talking to a friend who was really struggling recently & brought to tears about it. See this is a bondage that many in the church face, a stronghold that must be broken in the lives of many saints so that they can move forward in their purpose, because as you know sin affects the anointing. This is the main reason for this blog.
See what I see is that the church gives us spiritual principles but doesn’t teach us how to use them when it comes to remaining pure sexually. (stuff our parents & the church should be teaching us but no one wants to talk about it) I find that it's a battle we fight on our own, because all though everyone preaches it, I have yet to meet more than a handful if that, that actually managed to abstain for any length of time prior to marriage let alone be virgins.
For this reason I made the comment in my last post about praying properly. Ask God to show you how to MANAGE this natural desire and erg. I have asked & He is showing me.
Day 16: I actually was quite hormonal & would have loved to have it. LOL but then I thought about something else & it wasn't that serious.
*Now come on people hold up your lighters with me ****on second thought we don't want to burn the place down.
Keep up the good work. I pray that hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks Darrel....
ReplyDeleteI believe everybody has the IT factor. Some individuals are physically more attractive than others BUT as that old adage saying goes “there is someone for everyone” is very true. When it comes to sex – for a lot of people it’s just THAT ! Sex.
ReplyDeleteEven crack heads can give IT away. So, to say that a person doesn’t have the struggle because they couldn’t get it if their life depended on it is sort of a cop out. I’m not saying there isn’t a small group of people who aren’t sexing because they can’t get any but I think it’s more factual to say that most who desire to have sex can and will find someone to oblige.
I have the IT factor and I abstain from sex for the most part with ease. As a woman there are times when my hormones are slightly out of wack making a day a little more difficult to get through. On those rare occasions a quick release does the trick. (We’re keeping it real right ?)
It seems as though you glided over a key factor in abstaining and that is a person NOT putting themselves in a position to be tempted by it. For me, that is a key factor because OPPORTUNITY is all around us; sexual deviance has blanketed the world.
I have made a conscience decision to abstain from sex and I will admit to have the IT factor candle burning from both ends. I get approached my men and women constantly. Like you said, it’s a strong hold. Most of the people I know who struggle to the point of bringing them to tears are in bondage and have been since their childhood. They were introduced to sex at a very young age and a few were even molested. My experience has been, these are the individuals that struggle the most. So, instead of diminishing the opportunities of being tempted by it, they lie to themselves and create situations that are difficult to escape by constantly playing with fire. (Sort of like a recovering alcoholic working at a bar after 3 days of sobriety)
Are you really wondering why it’s such a struggle ? As Chris Rock once joked about, his main purpose in life is to keep his daughters off the pole ;-) Step one is to stop knowingly putting yourself in positions where the temptation is too strong. By this I mean, be real with yourself (not you specifically Lisa) I’m just saying – God can heal. And he uses people and situations to do so. Let’s be real, the devil knows our weaknesses, mine isn’t sex but I do have my issues. If food is a persons issue they shouldn’t work at McDonalds and if sex is a persons issue they shouldn’t spend every waking moment with a person they are lusting after. And if they are lusting after every swing-ding-ding in town then they need to join Tiger Woods in therapy.
I believe God wants us all healed – especially from sexual deviance since it clearly taints our temple. God is not going to send a crack head to a crack house to get healed; nor is he going to make your neighbor the sexiest man/woman in the world if he doesn’t think you can handle it. If you can’t handle it – then more than likely it’s not God. Simply move around the corner next door to the old fat lady with six cats. The struggle starts in your mind and ends in your mind. Being honest with self may be the biggest step a person can ever take.
I believe everybody has the IT factor. Some individuals are physically more attractive than others BUT as that old adage saying goes “there is someone for everyone” is very true. When it comes to sex – for a lot of people it’s just that! Sex.
ReplyDeleteEven crack heads can give IT away. So, to say that a person doesn’t have the struggle because they couldn’t get it if their life depended on it is sort of a cop out. I’m not saying there isn’t a small group of people who aren’t sexing because they can’t get any but I think it’s more factual to say that most who desire to have sex can and will find someone to oblige.
I have the IT factor and I abstain from sex for the most part with ease. As a woman there are times when my hormones are slightly out of wack making a day a little more difficult to get through. On those rare occasions a quick release does the trick. (We’re keeping it real right ?)
It seems as though you glided over a key factor in abstaining and that is a person NOT putting themselves in a position to be tempted by it. For me, that is a key factor because OPPORTUNITY is all around us; sexual deviance has blanketed the world.
ReplyDeleteI have made a conscience decision to abstain from sex and I will admit to have the IT factor candle burning from both ends. I get approached my men and women constantly. Like you said, it’s a strong hold. Most of the people I know who struggle to the point of bringing them to tears are in bondage and have been since their childhood. They were introduced to sex at a very young age and a few were even molested. My experience has been, these are the individuals that struggle the most. So, instead of diminishing the opportunities of being tempted by it, they lie to themselves and create situations that are difficult to escape by constantly playing with fire. (Sort of like a recovering alcoholic working at a bar after 3 days of sobriety)
Are you really wondering why it’s such a struggle ? As Chris Rock once joked about, his main purpose in life is to keep his daughters off the pole ;-) Step one is to stop knowingly putting yourself in positions where the temptation is too strong. By this I mean, be real with yourself (not you specifically Lisa) I’m just saying let’s be real, the devil knows our weaknesses, mine isn’t sex but I do have my issues. If food is a persons issue they shouldn’t work at McDonalds and if sex is a persons issue they shouldn’t spend every waking moment with a person they are lusting after. And if they are lusting after every swinging-ding-ding in town then they need to join Tiger Woods in therapy.
I believe God wants us all healed from our bondage especially from sexual deviance since it clearly taints our temple. God is not going to send a crack head to a crack house to get sober; nor is he going to make your neighbor the sexiest man/woman in the world if he doesn’t think you can handle it. If you can’t handle it then more than likely it’s not God who placed you in that situation. Simply move around the corner next door to the old fat lady with six cats. The struggle starts in your mind and ends in your mind. Being honest with self may be the biggest step a person can ever take.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous, Love it!!!! Thank you for that addition.
ReplyDeleteNot glossing over anything here though. I try to provoke, keep it short but sweet.
All that you said was something I was going to touch on later.
Your right on a great many points, except that I was directing a portion of this at people who like to judge those that struggle when they really can't get it.
I have known people like that... they just don't get approached my men or women, they try but just are socially impaired. They tend to repel sexual attention not attract it. So some of us really do have it and some don't & like I said short of paying for it don't get much action at all. Keep in mind that is not the majority of people I even speak of.
I love the part about the strongholds of this nature usually being at an early age... this is so true.
It's not until you find or acknowledge the root of the issue that you can be healed or delivered from it.
Thanks again for your words of truth.
@LF, I don't know bout the neighbor part... my neighbor is pretty fine & i'm struggling right now.... He's 6'5, dark, handsome, sexy, an ex football player Whew!!!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL So I guess I better move.
@Anonymous, why don't you share some of the things that have helped you abstain? I mean to say don't put yourself in the path of temptation is cliche & vague. We need to teach our youth how we manage. See that's why I said the church tells us we shouldn't but doesn't really go over the reality of the struggle.
ReplyDeleteLike you said we all struggle. But what are some things while dating that YOU do that help?
@anonymous, you also said you abstain with EASE? In that case you should definitely share WHY it's soooooo easy for you so we can jump on board. Give us who struggle a few pointers.... because I abstain, but don't find it easy by any measure. I tend to go through seasons of ease and seasons of what feels like torture.
ReplyDeleteOf course we have the hormone factor.....
And since we are keeping it real the "quick release" you refer to which i'm pretty sure is masturbation is wrong as well.
So if that's how you manage, that's not really managing.
Heck if masturbating were not an issue too I think fewer would complain per sa.
Not putting myself on the path of temptation - not vague at all. I didn't realize you meant from a youths point of view. As adults we should know what NOT to do. ie: Don't have that extra glass of wine, don't invite him over for a night cap, if need be don't kiss him goodbye, want to be extreme then don't hold hands or hug either. Everyone has different levels of triggers, so if going dancing makes you horny then you need not go dancing. If smelling his cologne makes you wet between the legs then don't stand or sit so damn close. BE open and honest with him & if he really respect you then he'll do his part is assisting the situation.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the youth are concerned, I'd rather know that my daughter is in the bedroom masturbation than in some mans bed sucking his *ick and allowing him to nut in her face. The two just don't compare to me. The lessor of two evils, yes maybe so.
-CHH
@CHH, Thank you for that addition. I said vague because it was vague. What tempts one may not temp another.
ReplyDeleteAs for the youth perspective..... it is were my heart is regarding these issues because of the reason I stated in my post about the church & parents who quote scripture & principle but never really demonstrate. I want to push for the youth to see things like this so that they can participate in candid and open dialog about the struggles they have, especially growing up in the church.
For that matter as it pertains to adults, if it were so simple, why the heck do adults need to be told this crap to begin with? But we do.
We all know this down deep, we just don't apply it.
We don't apply because we were not taught how to apply.
Don't sit close, don't hold hands, don't kiss, don't don't don't which is far easier said then done because the desire is natural.
I mean hell why date at all if you can't display any type of affection, because I don't care who you are it will lead to sexual intimacy. And who is keeping it real if they say they even want to adhere to that kind of rule? I was going to say it sounds good, but actually it doesn't.
As a matter of fact, I stopped dating for a while for that very reason.
While dating, particularly when it's a clear attraction on both sides the two of us need to communicate what we want and don't want to happen. ALSO, what needs to happen if we find ourselves continually failing at this task. Clearly if it's God will for us to be together it's NOT to fornicate.
ReplyDeleteI have sexual desires from time to time and when the urges seem too strong, I don't call my significant other. (or open my black book) For most, it eventually, passes unless you're meditating on it. However, frankly I feel like if a woman struggles to the point of tears in regards to keeping her legs close than she has issues way beyond the average in THAT area.
It's hard to pinpoint a concrete answer, sort of like why some people are satisfied with one slice of cake and someone else won't be satisfied unless they eat the entire cake.
Is there really a natural answer for spiritual warfare ?
Stop making excuses and just don't do it. Doesn't the bible say something about no temptation being too great. (blah, blah, blah) Why are you looking for natural answers in this particular case when everything else is predicated on the word of God.
Whatever your triggers are, when it comes up, walk away - simply turn around and walk away. If were being honest, the difficulty for MOST is simply that deep down inside although they know Gods word, they just don't want to walk to away.
~CHH
@ Lisa - I haven't read you're previous post outside of this one. My apologies.
ReplyDelete~CHH
I personally don't have a lot of don't when it comes to dating. Nothing other than don't have sex. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.
ReplyDeleteAs for you, not dating until you figure it out sounds good. Isn't that why they say if you can't stand the heat then get out of the kitchen.
Working from the ground up is the key - true spiritual deliverance is the answer. Didn't you say you used to be a "HO". Sounds like it's maybe more of a stronghold then one can naturally comprehend. I date often and I look forward to the hand holding, the dancing and the kiss good bye. For me, there is no next level until marriage. My stuff is THAT special and his stuff ain't special enough until we unite on that special day.
That's how I was taught coming up as a kid. My parents never really made about God.
~CHH
@CHH, your exactly right, it is a stronghold that is beyond "natural comprehension". "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but spiritual principalities."
ReplyDeleteOur biggest mistake is fighting these battles in the flesh which is why this dialog is needed.
Yes I was a HO pretty much by anyone's standards and I admit it so others can be free. Because I have no shame in my game. Somehow I feel confident in saying your probably not a virgin & have been with enough men to be considered promiscuous at some point depending on your age. If I am wrong I apologize, but you would be the exception not the rule.
I now do better because I now know better. And I desire to help others overcome the struggle.
As you stated with such wisdom often it begins at a very young age and it did for me.
It does for a lot of us. Since it isn't your struggle I can't even tell you how it could bring you to tears, but it does many.
Because we do exactly what it is we don't want to do. The tears come from guilt & the feeling that you are disappointing God. Addiction comes in many forms, some more subtle then others, some seemingly less serious if you can't see the damage on the exterior.
One should refrain from being judgmental for this very reason.
If it's not your struggle it's just not, but never belittle a person for having the struggle.
We often browbeat one another & judge harshly those things we don't understand.
I'm glad your parents taught you those things but for many of us we didn't have that teaching.
For many of us molestation, rape, etc.... created in us a distortion of what love, affection & sexuality is supposed to be & it can take a lifetime to fix it on our own yet a moment for God to fix it. Thing is we also have to learn to yield so that God can fix it.
As for me I stopped dating for that very reason. I realized what I couldn't handle. Please make no mistakes, I'm not in need of advise, that is not the purpose of the Blog & if you desire to continue to follow you will see there is a reason why I post the way I do.
Being candid, open, honest, promotes the same from others, so as I share my experience others will feel free enough to admit the same issues. It is only when you can get to the root and acknowledge the issue that you can be delivered from it.
@ Lisa, understood and very well said. I agree that blogs are for discussions not advice. I wasn’t trying to come of judgemental, just stating my experience and opinions that all. I know for a fact that I have issues that some won’t understand. However, this isn’t what your blog is about.
ReplyDeleteNo, I’m not a virgin and this saddens more than you can ever imagine. I lost my virginity at a late age (over 30) to a Christian man, a minister to be exact. My decision to have sex was not because I had this over whelming desire to do so, it was only because I wanted to make him happy. He said he loved me, that we’d be together forever. We were very close in every way. We met through an associate of mine and started out as friends. More than six months had past before the subject EVER came up. I’m a little bitter. I feel duped. After it happened, his only words were, “ I’m only human and no one is perfect. He said he wanted to be with the woman he loved. (smh) So, I regret the fact that I’m not a virgin. I also accept your apology as I am not nor have I ever been promiscuous. Admittedly so, I am a few other things. I regret giving myself to him almost everyday. It’s been almost two years now and I still struggle with the bad decision I MADE. I put my faith in a man and now I have very little faith in men that try to engage me in sexual conversations. I’m just one of those people who crave physical affection over the act of sex itself. Maybe I lack love and affection as a child, maybe not, who knows. The men I date understand and respect my position.
Thank you also for explaining the tears comment. I really didn’t understand. I thought you meant she was crying because she wanted sex so bad :-/ The thought of disappointing God never crossed my mind. After my experience, I’ve found myself disappointed in God but never have I imagined him being disappointed in me.
~CHH
@CHH,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that. First let me say I am sorry that you had to go through that. It saddens me frequently to see the members of the same body continually wound each other. I encourage you to let go of the regret, you did nothing wrong, you trusted him. This too shall pass.
Oddly enough, though our stories are the extreme opposite, it's funny how it ultimately leads to the same end which is regrets, a lack of faith in those we are supposed to trust & often distance from God.
Your current ability to abstain comes from your previous waiting & current wounded-ness. See it can be true that you don't miss what you have never had. I know a few other virgins who say they have occasional sexual desires but they aren't really strong ones & they don't feel tempted enough to break down. You are far more reserved when you have yet to give yourself is what I'm saying. But when you have been over stimulated it's the opposite... you crave it like crazy.
Now flip that to being molested from age 4 to 18 (my story). It kind of literally hardwired me for sex. Imagine as a child being stimulated in a way no child should, knowing it's wrong, but something feels good about it at least the older I got.
I crave the affection aspect of a relationship on a deep level as well, but unfortunately it often leads to the physical act for me. I regret almost every man I ever slept with because often I didn't want to sleep with them, I just wanted love & affection & attention.
I never knew how to tell a man no, because I couldn't tell my father no. (abuse of power)
But God!
As for the other things, since you are anonymous I don't know if you are on facebook with me, but I often have discussion forums for all types of subject matter. If you want to discuss it there I would love to. I believe we help a great deal of people sharing our stories.
@ Lisa, thanks again for sharing. I don't have a facebook anymore. A friend who does have facebook sent me this link, hence the reason I wasn't aware of the other post as it went directly to this specific page.
ReplyDeleteMost days I don't feel like socializing but I guess today as different. I don't see a new facebook page in my near future. If that changes I'll hit you up.
I'm not alone in my regret - he and I still talk from time to time, he says he still loves me & cares. And he says although he knows God has forgiven him he still deals the guilt of a heavy heart at times. He says he prays for me daily as he'd hate to be a factor of me turing completely away from the body of Christ.
But the truth is, the situation sort of makes me just want to walk away from it all.
I think life can and should be simpler. Until then, blog on, blog on.
~CHH